Disappointment - mine

I have been thinking about this for a while.  It may not come out the way I am hoping it will. I have been noticing (or maybe its just me) that our lessons at church are more gospel centered than family centered.  If that makes sense...more on Faith, Hope, Charity than on family.  I am in primary now so that might have changed.  I have thought that it is because when you start talking about families, it is a bit controversial and stressful to people.

It makes people who have a bad marriage or a divorce or never been married feel bad if you are talking about happy temple marriages.  If you have a decent marriage maybe you don't think it is good enough...Or if you have wayward children or if you have no children because you couldn't have any....or if you had a child out of wedlock or your families are not involved in sports or active in the church.  Or you don't have enough money to provide or do all the fun things that everyone else is doing, like skiing or even going on a trip or even to a movie now and then.  I have a hard time thinking that most people have a perfect family although I could give you a list a mile long of people that look like they do.  I know in my heart that lots of people have families that are less than perfect....but it is also hard to really believe it because there are SOOOO many that appear to be perfect, two parent, one income, rich, attractive families that I see every single day.  Talking about skiing, Hawaii, new basketball shoes and going out to dinner.

So, then why this is soo touchy....I decided it is because we put so much effort into our families-it is very personal.  I worry constantly about how to provide financially for my family and I am exhausted trying to do that.  And I always come up short.  Every SINGLE time.  I worry about being enough as a mother.  It never seems to be enough.  I am not kind enough, supportive enough, helpful enough, or a good enough teacher for them.  Nor am I good at their spiritual well being or having FHE or family prayer or anything ....Not even a job chart.  I can get you to school on time.   My marriage has been over for 10 years (and I'm not divorced yet) and I have failed them in that department.  And constantly making bad choices.  It never ends the wrong choices I have made or the guilt because of not being good enough or even a close second to the normal regular mothers out there.

I have thought about that the things that matter most to us get our most effort.  Could I be a better teacher?  maybe - but it doesn't pull on my heart that much..could I do my yard better?  absolutely.  Could I clean my house better or vacuum my car better?  yes.  But I don't care about these things in my heart like I do my family.  When I get to the pearly gates, that is where I will be accountable and will come up short.  I don't think God is going to ask about our fitness or the color of our carpet or if we mowed the lawn every week.  (although these things bug  me too...)  I will be accountable for my family.  I really believe that.  And how am I going to stack up?  Not that great I am afraid.  I have failed them soo many times.  More than I can count and I'm sure they can count. 

It is my fault.  It is hard.  Every night I go to bed, exhausted, and I was just mediocre most days.  Maybe not even that good.  It is a struggle to be the ONLY one taking care of the family. Not sure who I expect to take care of my family other than me...doesn't work that way. People are not in line to take care of other people's families.  The constant worry is exhausting and debilitating sometimes too.

I really do love them with all my heart.  They are fabulous kids.  I think that is why this is so hard. 
I have failed people that I care about. And they didn't have a say in it.  I can't imagine that they decided to come to THIS family.  Who would? It was probably they got last in line and all the good families and functional mothers were already chosen.  So far, they have turned out to be the best!  Really, in spite of me.  They are kind, smart, hard working and awesome.  I love to spend time with them.  They truly are my world.  I am very grateful for that. !  How much better of a life could we have if I had my act together.  I will forever have that guilt in my heart and in the depth of my soul.

Science Fair for Jack (last one EVER!!!)

Jack has had to do the Science Fair.  He is in 6th grade. I was hoping to get out of it this year but no...

He did a project on "Does it Matter".  He took 3 different liquids with different densities and layered them. We changed up the order 4 times and every time they layered according to density.  We calculated the densities of each substance and took lots of pictures.  He made a nice chart and data table.  We calculated the mass on a digital scale, and measured the volume using syringes.  Mixed up the order in 4 different graduated cylinders.  Each time, Corn Syrup was on the bottom, Oil was in the middle, and Alcohol was on the top.  Every single time.  Quite the science experiment.

We did an ok job.  I think he liked it.   I sure would like to know what the kids do who doesn't have a parent who has a degree in Science. 

oh a side note, I absolutely HATE science fair.  I think it is an assignment for the parent. There is NO way any kid could do a science fair project without LOTS of parent involvement.  Its not that I mind helping, it is that it is lots of work and I am not convinced that they learn anything because the parent has to say ok do this, and then make this graph by putting these numbers here.  .  .He even wrote his name directly on the board.  (We learned a few years ago to not write your name on the board.  Write it on a piece of paper and glue it on...!  Just in case you have to share...shhhh)

Moby Dick

Abi got an email from the orchestra teacher saying that students could attend the dress rehersal for Moby Dick.  It is an Opera at Capital Theater. Students were free and guardians are 5.00. Wow.  That price is right!  So we went.  We also got to listen to some lecture before the show about the show and production.  It was super interesting and we got a synopsis of the play so that helped.  I am not sure I would have even understood any of it had I not been to that class.  I have been thinking maybe I should read the book...

We then went to the show.  It started at 7:00 and we got finished at 10:00.  That was super long!  It was really well done but Opera isn't my first love.  Around 9:30 I thought they could have wrapped up the story.  The big deal was how the whale was to appear onstage.  Well, it ended up being just a circle disc that raised up from the floor that had a whale eye.  It was cool and everything, but they said the Opera Company was sworn to secrecy about how it was going to appear...seems a bit over rated.  I also can't imagine they sang for 3 hours and are not miked.  That takes some talent.  We learned that fun fact during the class.  I haven't seen many operas so it was a good cultural experience.  It was a super good night and fun to go with Abi.

Cleaning

Mlk day today.  We cleaned the basement.  Nick acted like I asked him to chop off his arm...It is like Michelle said, I would chop off his arm AFTER he cleaned...
3 bags of garbage gone (including trophies from 2006 that were covered in dust...).  Vacuumed and all the blankets and bedding washed.  Floor vacuumed. Bathroom didn't get cleaned but that is for another day.  We filled up the black garbage can outside which is so embarrassing.  Put the other bunk bed away and wow, that room actually looks like someone would want to walk in there.  And this time there were no maverick cups with Pee in them...Win in my book.  Now Nick thinks we need a Maverick drink and go to Mod Pizza....

                                               Here is Nick removing the Christmas tree...

                                                         This was just the beginning.

                     This is Brooke and myself at Blaze pizza (kindof like MOD pizza...so its the only pic I                         have.  I forgot to take one when we went after cleaning...:)


After cleaning, Mod Pizza, Playing basketball at the church (since I have a key to practice the piano) and Maverick because they were soo thirsty from playing basketball,

Jack did some of his Science fair project.  We just started so we could get the pictures taken and sent to Walgreens.  One would think I like Science Fair Projects, but I do NOT!  They are just a project for your parents. And no Parent needs another project.

My Leg

So had a mishap the other day.  Not a big deal, then I noticed my entire leg was bruised.  It kindof hurt by the end of the day.  And then around my socks, I got these rings.  I think it was blood pooling and it was swollen after standing on my feet all day.  I think it looks worse than it really is.  It keeps spreading, and only hurts in a few places.  Good thing it is not summer for short season or I would have to be wearing boots!!

Basketball

It is Jr Jazz season again.  Love it because you sign up, show up, and play.  The games are an hour and the practice is usually an hour a week if they have one.  The only problem is that sometimes the parking and seating at games is limited, however, this year, the Rec center was not crowded and Millcreek where Nick plays only had one game so it was super slick.

Jack - notice the new basketball shoes

Jack is wearing the blue jersey 

That is jack 33, and his friend from football is 22

UPDATE for Jack:  He played his friend Jesse one time.  Jesse had only one person foul him in the season and it was Jack.  And it was a 3 point shooting foul!! 


This is Nick in the green.  Not sure who the photobomb person is...

Update:  On Nick's last game for Jr Jazz, he nailed a 3 point shot!! yahoo Nick!

Here are a bunch of videos that I took, Jack wanted them so he could post them so I am not sure how good they are, because I Just uploaded them now because if I don't do it now, it won't happen....Not sure if there are any of Nick but I will get him next time!

Christmas 2017 in the Books

Here are the Stockings from Christmas.  I personally hate filling the stockings.  Nothing but a pain.  However, this year, look how clever.  Everyone has their favorite chips at the top of the sock.  Andrew has Veggie Straws, Brooke has veggie straws in the shape of mickey mouse ears, Abi has boon chik a pop, Nick has pringles and Jack has Tackis...(some hot chip thing).  Now that took a lot of thought!  There are also peppermint twinkies on that chair.  They were cool because they were red, but they did disappoint.  I only had one bite of one and when I went back to try another one, they were all gone.  So they must have not been that bad!

Here are all the presents.  Quite a lot of presents for a bunch of poor people.  That is quite a nice tree.  Abi decorated it the day before Christmas.  We are last minute ers...

That box jack is leaning on is a basketball standard for Nick.  Thats the only pic I got of that gift...

This is Brooke with that Bag from the apple store.  That bag is  kindof like those Nordstrom boxes we use to get.  They are pretty promising what inside is pretty good.  She did get an Apple Watch.  Some fancy one that she thinks is better than sliced bread.  She thinks I need to get one!

Abi got a computer and a blender (that she wanted) but not sure where those pictures are...

Andrew got money for housing and some clothes that he took back.  Not sure where those pics are either

Jack and Nick got a PS4.  Some game system.  That didn't make the picture line up either.

Nick got a Green Bay Packers Sweatshirt.  He LOVES Green Bay

Brooke did get this Mermaid tail.  I have seen them for little girls but never for Adults.  But whoa there was one for Adults at Wal Mart.  Jim is all over the mermaid tail!  It is soo fitting for her!

I didn't do too well on the pictures.  I was really just enjoying the day.  We did get our annual Chinese food take out from Sam Pan later in the day.  It is the best.  Nothing like some chinese food on Christmas!  It sure beats cooking something!  I am not a fan of Christmas.  However this was a pretty good Christmas.  I wasn't stressed like usual and just enjoyed the entire day. 

Christmas Eve

We have for the past few years gone to Temple Square for Christmas Eve.  We have had our family party the Sunday before Christmas, so we all need somewhere to go Christmas Eve.  However this year, Michelle wanted to switch it to the night before Christmas Eve.  Marti had to work on Christmas Eve.  Ok.  Deal.  So here we are on Christmas Eve at Temple Square.  Abi couldn't go with us because she was working and Andrew was still at School in Cedar City.  He has been working at Walmart for the holidays so he had to stay and work.  Notice Chili Willy is in the pic.  He came from Arizona for a few days.  He has been working in Arizona lately!

In N Out was the usual dinner stop after. It didn't disappoint.

That still left my family with Christmas Eve open.  We went to Church on Christmas Eve.  Attending Church was super nice.  Abi rocked it with the Ward Choir as the Pianist.  She was a Rock Star!

So we decided to go to Hogle Zoo and see the Zoo Lights.  We happened to meet Michelle there also, because Marti ended up NOT working.  It was super fun to walk around and look at the lights. We also got a pretzel, garlic bread and hot chocolate since Brooke was with us and she gets a discount on refreshments!  We were living it up!  Went home and finished wrapping and went to bed!  Fabulous Night!