Disappointment - mine

I have been thinking about this for a while.  It may not come out the way I am hoping it will. I have been noticing (or maybe its just me) that our lessons at church are more gospel centered than family centered.  If that makes sense...more on Faith, Hope, Charity than on family.  I am in primary now so that might have changed.  I have thought that it is because when you start talking about families, it is a bit controversial and stressful to people.

It makes people who have a bad marriage or a divorce or never been married feel bad if you are talking about happy temple marriages.  If you have a decent marriage maybe you don't think it is good enough...Or if you have wayward children or if you have no children because you couldn't have any....or if you had a child out of wedlock or your families are not involved in sports or active in the church.  Or you don't have enough money to provide or do all the fun things that everyone else is doing, like skiing or even going on a trip or even to a movie now and then.  I have a hard time thinking that most people have a perfect family although I could give you a list a mile long of people that look like they do.  I know in my heart that lots of people have families that are less than perfect....but it is also hard to really believe it because there are SOOOO many that appear to be perfect, two parent, one income, rich, attractive families that I see every single day.  Talking about skiing, Hawaii, new basketball shoes and going out to dinner.

So, then why this is soo touchy....I decided it is because we put so much effort into our families-it is very personal.  I worry constantly about how to provide financially for my family and I am exhausted trying to do that.  And I always come up short.  Every SINGLE time.  I worry about being enough as a mother.  It never seems to be enough.  I am not kind enough, supportive enough, helpful enough, or a good enough teacher for them.  Nor am I good at their spiritual well being or having FHE or family prayer or anything ....Not even a job chart.  I can get you to school on time.   My marriage has been over for 10 years (and I'm not divorced yet) and I have failed them in that department.  And constantly making bad choices.  It never ends the wrong choices I have made or the guilt because of not being good enough or even a close second to the normal regular mothers out there.

I have thought about that the things that matter most to us get our most effort.  Could I be a better teacher?  maybe - but it doesn't pull on my heart that much..could I do my yard better?  absolutely.  Could I clean my house better or vacuum my car better?  yes.  But I don't care about these things in my heart like I do my family.  When I get to the pearly gates, that is where I will be accountable and will come up short.  I don't think God is going to ask about our fitness or the color of our carpet or if we mowed the lawn every week.  (although these things bug  me too...)  I will be accountable for my family.  I really believe that.  And how am I going to stack up?  Not that great I am afraid.  I have failed them soo many times.  More than I can count and I'm sure they can count. 

It is my fault.  It is hard.  Every night I go to bed, exhausted, and I was just mediocre most days.  Maybe not even that good.  It is a struggle to be the ONLY one taking care of the family. Not sure who I expect to take care of my family other than me...doesn't work that way. People are not in line to take care of other people's families.  The constant worry is exhausting and debilitating sometimes too.

I really do love them with all my heart.  They are fabulous kids.  I think that is why this is so hard. 
I have failed people that I care about. And they didn't have a say in it.  I can't imagine that they decided to come to THIS family.  Who would? It was probably they got last in line and all the good families and functional mothers were already chosen.  So far, they have turned out to be the best!  Really, in spite of me.  They are kind, smart, hard working and awesome.  I love to spend time with them.  They truly are my world.  I am very grateful for that. !  How much better of a life could we have if I had my act together.  I will forever have that guilt in my heart and in the depth of my soul.